School reparations and getting over your past

Hallo

The school year is basically over, just one more exam and I am forever gone from high school. I don't feel so good about it? I spent the entirety of high school complaining about the town I live in and avoiding people, instead of trying to make friends and memories, because time is finite. All I did was dwelve myself in voluntary social exclusion which eventually turned to involuntary exclusion. People have baggage. Mine is being the loner kid that sat by himself in the hallways. I didn't even get to take a dumb picture with my crush in front of my locker, which is now completely empty. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I weren't so lazy, I could've participated in so many cool activities, I could've gone to friends parties. Many people invited me to parties, I always denied the invites. But why? Oh yeah, because I never studied or did any school work at all so I had to rush to do everything last minute, instead of just revising daily and attending parties and other things. I wish I could and just make friends, All of those kids, they aren't that bad, I decided to distance myself, they gave me a chance and I decided to be a rude cunt. I could've attempted to be friends with people but ofc now everyone has a stigma regarding me. And school is ending anyway, right? I am the only one to blame I think. Instead of trying to make meaningful friendships I spent my time in the library hiding from everyone playing doom, hanging out with random kids that are going through the same path as I am.

I want to get over my past, I cannot change it and I can only hope for a better future. My school is going through reparations and it's getting a remodel, a new principal, a new cafeteria and football field. I won't be here to see the new school, he new teachers and all the new things. I won't be here for anything, because I am supposed to grow up and go to college. I am pissed but I need to understand that I cannot go back in time. I want to make up for my idiocy. I don't know how but I need to do something. I have to do something I can't live with the guilt of wasted time. I just can't, since my early childhood I always freaked out at the thought of wasting time, always. And now it is killing me. It's not that I don't really want to grow up or for high school to end. I just wish I made a better use of my time. I wish I had taken pictures of certain moments. I wish I had memories. I wish I had people in those memories, instead I have 

some sort of void whose only light is the one radiating from this computer screen.

Edit:
maybe I wont shoot my brains out yet, this Joanna Cedia video made me smile a little bit.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWGppLhyg_Q

Listening to KMFDM and feeling like a god

I don't know how about y'all but KMFDM are fucking great. Sometimes when I listen to certain songs I feel like i am leaving the human realm. It really feels like I am entering a new form of life. I just visualize myself finally ascending towards the sky. Finally in charge. In the bus, I look out the window, I imagine houses exploding, street lights blowing up, alarms going off as the bus marches forward. The only human language there is is hatred and destruction.
Right now I sit at school, in the hallways, all the kids from my class are hanging out. I'm at the corner, I'm not part of it, never will and time is running out so what ? Stray bullet is playing, as much as I could want to be part of something like a group of good friends that just want to have a good time I know I am something else. I am a product, a product of human selfishness, of shallowness of all the lack of empathy in this world, of all the filth that is spat by the ones deamed fit. They all have created me. They all regret it. But that's not my problem. Actions have consequences. What else? Maybe a group of people that share similar interests with me? That could be nice, I guess. But I'd fuck it up, human interraction is overrated.

Just so many drafts

Hallo wie gehts
I  have so many god damned drafts. It's just sad. They all pile up in their digital realm, will I ever finish them?? To think that many of those drafts are older than many human children. Woah, oh well my time in this reality and context is almost over.