keeping up with the synapses

Hallo, people of that read my shitty internet page. How are things going?
For me, it's the end of the first term of school, I'm already "enjoying" christmas break. I can't believe the first term's already gone, it's so fucking weird. I have been freaking out about senior year and the end of high school and me as a whole and a third/big ass mark is already gone. Fucking spooky amirite?
It's kinda late and I am freaking out about shit, well I am always freaking out about shit. I currently have been worrying about the fact that I have to go to college. Since I have to, might as well be fucking able to get to the college I want to get in. Jesus, my irresponsibility murders me, I could've achieved so many shit, but instead, I am this guy that everyone considers and calls smart, but deep down I acknowledge that those whose brains do such mistake are blind. I wish I could be smart, but I am not. And that murders me. Ánd it is also all my fault. All of this builds up weight in my head.
time is so static yet so fluid like. it bothers me that I can be in my room, trying to find something to do, and time is passing really slowly but then out of a sudden time slips through my fingers like some vaseline on an inmate's hand. I just don't want it to end. This thing of being a teenager, of being careless and supposedly not caring about the future. But jesus all mighty does the future try to fuck me up. This conditional freedom that feels so bad yet so good. This sadness that we cry about but eat it with a big spoon at night while laughing and smiling. Ah, it's so funny, all this bittersweet hypocrisy that we stuff our pockets with. Give me all of that till I can only see magazine quizzes and sitcoms, till I can only know about saturday's basketball game or about that chick that is pregnant. Please, never let it end!
 I just can't believe I too am human.