Dream Girl

I'm at the airport waiting in line
A very pretty girl is in front of me
She is tall
And her feet are tiny in comparison
She is by herself and carries a camper bag
Her headphones are plugged in
She has cute bangs and a suede pouch
She is so sweet
She is such a dream
Her hair is kinda strawberry blonde
It's very messy
Her perfume is very nice
Girls are so nice
Pizza socks
Her walk is funny
Cherry cola shirt
She has bracelets on her legs
She was watching dumbo
Editing pictures on her laptop
She wears socks that don't match
She has two seats just for herself because the lady next to her left
Her nose looks cute and little
It is a little bit red
She might have the flu
She sits by the window
And looks at the clouds, probably in other planet
I wonder what she will do, once she gets to Lisbon
Will she have more adventures? Maybe go to Spain
Or maybe she just came to Africa to do some volunteer help
Maybe her parents paid her the trip
Maybe she makes her life like that, gets a sponsorship and travels to exotic places
But she looks so young, she could be younger than me, she could be with me at school
I don't know but I can't help but look at this dream girl

School reparations and getting over your past

Hallo

The school year is basically over, just one more exam and I am forever gone from high school. I don't feel so good about it? I spent the entirety of high school complaining about the town I live in and avoiding people, instead of trying to make friends and memories, because time is finite. All I did was dwelve myself in voluntary social exclusion which eventually turned to involuntary exclusion. People have baggage. Mine is being the loner kid that sat by himself in the hallways. I didn't even get to take a dumb picture with my crush in front of my locker, which is now completely empty. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I weren't so lazy, I could've participated in so many cool activities, I could've gone to friends parties. Many people invited me to parties, I always denied the invites. But why? Oh yeah, because I never studied or did any school work at all so I had to rush to do everything last minute, instead of just revising daily and attending parties and other things. I wish I could and just make friends, All of those kids, they aren't that bad, I decided to distance myself, they gave me a chance and I decided to be a rude cunt. I could've attempted to be friends with people but ofc now everyone has a stigma regarding me. And school is ending anyway, right? I am the only one to blame I think. Instead of trying to make meaningful friendships I spent my time in the library hiding from everyone playing doom, hanging out with random kids that are going through the same path as I am.

I want to get over my past, I cannot change it and I can only hope for a better future. My school is going through reparations and it's getting a remodel, a new principal, a new cafeteria and football field. I won't be here to see the new school, he new teachers and all the new things. I won't be here for anything, because I am supposed to grow up and go to college. I am pissed but I need to understand that I cannot go back in time. I want to make up for my idiocy. I don't know how but I need to do something. I have to do something I can't live with the guilt of wasted time. I just can't, since my early childhood I always freaked out at the thought of wasting time, always. And now it is killing me. It's not that I don't really want to grow up or for high school to end. I just wish I made a better use of my time. I wish I had taken pictures of certain moments. I wish I had memories. I wish I had people in those memories, instead I have 

some sort of void whose only light is the one radiating from this computer screen.

Edit:
maybe I wont shoot my brains out yet, this Joanna Cedia video made me smile a little bit.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWGppLhyg_Q

Listening to KMFDM and feeling like a god

I don't know how about y'all but KMFDM are fucking great. Sometimes when I listen to certain songs I feel like i am leaving the human realm. It really feels like I am entering a new form of life. I just visualize myself finally ascending towards the sky. Finally in charge. In the bus, I look out the window, I imagine houses exploding, street lights blowing up, alarms going off as the bus marches forward. The only human language there is is hatred and destruction.
Right now I sit at school, in the hallways, all the kids from my class are hanging out. I'm at the corner, I'm not part of it, never will and time is running out so what ? Stray bullet is playing, as much as I could want to be part of something like a group of good friends that just want to have a good time I know I am something else. I am a product, a product of human selfishness, of shallowness of all the lack of empathy in this world, of all the filth that is spat by the ones deamed fit. They all have created me. They all regret it. But that's not my problem. Actions have consequences. What else? Maybe a group of people that share similar interests with me? That could be nice, I guess. But I'd fuck it up, human interraction is overrated.

Just so many drafts

Hallo wie gehts
I  have so many god damned drafts. It's just sad. They all pile up in their digital realm, will I ever finish them?? To think that many of those drafts are older than many human children. Woah, oh well my time in this reality and context is almost over.

Windows 95 skyline

Wie gehts
I am at school, what a surpise, the sky is alway so blue here. But I don't like this blue. This blue is so specific, it seems like it equals the hex code fore the windows 95 desktop bakground. And it never changes, why would that be?(websage version #009999) ( CHECK IT OUT FUCKERS ~https://www.spycolor.com/008080 )
The sky sometimes also goes into windows 2000 ( check it: https://www.tekrevue.com/tip/classic-windows-2000-blue-background-windows-10/)
Is this even real? I have no clue, but for the estimated 1715 days I have spent under this specific part ofth sky why have I been only exposed to certain colors? What is it? What is going on? I have no actual clue. As the bus leaves the school driveway I see that god damned hex color up there every day, and it always seems like the whole place has this 70's film camera filter on top of it? Everything is so dream like I really can't grasp what has been going on for the past 6 years.
Das ist alles

skipping class

Hallo,

As the third term of my Senior year seems to unwind to its end I would like to talk about something that is dear to my heart. Unlike most kids at my school, my parents were very liberal regarding skipping school. They always knew how it felt to be really tired and depressed because of school, and they didn't mind if I skipped a little, from time to time. But as high school came in, the number of days that I skipped started increasing. In junior year I skipped most part of my PE classes, and almost had to redo the subject because of how our education system works. Happily, after being scolded by my teachers and counselors for being an irresponsible fuck, they sorta spared me because they know I am not an athlete and I just can't do shit because of my medical conditions. But skipping class is way more than avoiding 4 and a half years worth of swimming classes.

For someone that is about to leave the high school realm, many feelings can be attributed to skipping classes. I will be excluding the situation when you skip class because you are genuinely sick.

In the beginning, when you ask your parents to skip (ask or pretend you're sick), you usually feel happy like you just won the lottery. You start already thinking of all the things you are gonna do, ranging from playing video games to finishing an assignment you have for the next day. But then, you look at the clock. You see it's the time you were supposed to be getting in biology class. You sorta feel weird, you should be in walking right now to classroom n36. But you are at home. Your classmates are going to be doing work, and you will have to talk to your teachers and lie to their faces, telling them you were sick, you are used to doing that anyways. So now you are playing cod online, what else could you do on a school day? Your match is being fucking great, your KTD is high as it could. You remember that you will need to keep up with all the things you were supposed to learn that day, mega oof. And maybe you shouldn't have skipped that day since a test is so close and you need the teachers annotations since the retard doesn't follow the god damned text book. Eh, a B- will do I guess. College isn't real anyways, you'll be a kid forever. So the day goes on, and you just feel sorta awkward because it is not part of your normal routine. For me it's as is if you loaded Mario 64 on your n64 and mario's stretchy wreck of a polygon face didn't pop up. It's just cause you didn't go and answer your call of duty as a student. But hey, if you are like me, you will soon become desensitized to skipping class and it will become part of your daily routine!

So, it's the next day and the teacher is sorta mad because you have been skipping a lot. You can't keep using a headache and the flu as excuses. Desperate times call for desperate measures. So, you tell your teacher that you had a fucking episode of endless diarrhea streams. The teachers are obviously too scared to ask, and just let it slide. In the future you will use other excuses that sound inconceivable (per example: “ family problems”, “asthma episodes”, “gastroenteritis”, “pneumonia” etc...). And you know what is the greatest thing out of everything? Your parents never ever stepped on your school for any parents' reunion. They just assume you are a smart motherfucker. And the school can't call your parents or email them, because you gave the school the wrong phone numbers and email addresses. Good job! The school can't even send letter reports, because the mail system in your country is rigged. Heck yeah!

So, you keep repeating this cycle and skipping stops feeling like something you can rarely use but something that is part of your routine. You start feeling awkward for being at school, what the heck are you even doing there, your wii is waiting for you at home.

But then, the day you dread arrives. Your teachers tell you that you can only skip a few more times before you need to repeat the whole school year. You get mad, even though you rarely set your feet in school you are one of the best students in the whole class, and the teacher tells you that you need to repeat the year? Up yours. So you need to start rationing your skipping days. You make plans for using them exclusively for emergencies. But you start feeling like you have this weird need to skip. You just can't stand being at school anymore. You can't take anything. So your life now consists of making up solid lies that you tell to your teachers and parents that if in case they somehow get in contact don't automatically send you to detention land. You are now a slave of your own choices and you just want the year to end without your mom putting you in a cage.

But there are other funnier cases of skipping class. Sometimes you are at school with your friends, and you know that the next class is not important at all. Just for the heck of it, you decided to skip class, while at school. So you just go outside so none of your teachers runs into you. Last time I did this, I did it to go watch dragonball at the playground. It was worth it, two of my old teachers saw me but they didn't know my schedule so they just assumed me and my friends were just had a loose block. (we call periods of 45 minutes blocks at my school, I dunno how it works at your school). It's always a nice time, running through the school hallways, avoiding teachers, taking different turns and shortcuts, literally jumping sets of stairs, almost fucking your ankles for life. And then you see your teacher in the corner of your eye, and you and your friends all hide behind a pillar. One of them peeking to see if the teacher is coming in your direction. Somehow, y'all make it alive out of that situation and go to the patio drink soda (that is considered an illicit beverage at your school for some reason). After that, you have some fond memories with the friend you will never talk with since you leave those school gates for the last time.

There are way more situations of skipping class and I might make a part two, but for now the inspiration is gone.

To swallow a dagger

You,
You should swallow a dagger.
Swallow a dagger because you speak too much.
Swallow a dagger since you breath a lot.
Swallow a dagger so your voice is not heard.
Swallow a dagger, who actually cares?
Swallow a dagger, it's too late and tomorrow won't matter.
Swallow a dagger, your vocal chords won't work.
Swallow a dagger, there will be more to your words.
Swallow a dagger, because you're only yourself.
Swallow a dagger, after all you have a mouth.
Swallow a dagger, do us a favor.
Swallow a dagger swallow your lies.
Swallow a dagger while you look into my eyes.